MIDNIGHT MUSINGS: ON WILLPOWER AND IMPULSIVE ACTIONS.

Idk but I feel like it’s just a thin line, that separates mental stability from mental instability. On more than one occasion, the urge to act instinctively has been so strong, almost overpowering. Many times the results of these urges would have been mortifying, catastrophic and fatal.

I’m not sure if this is the same with others, or if I’m harboring over the brink of some disorder. But I do know, that the gift of willpower, the ability to say yes or no to some of these urges as they come is something I’ll be eternally grateful for.

Seeing this my condition, I think you’ll agree with me that it’s wise the decision I’ve made not to smoke or drink, or take any substances that might inhibit my ability to think clearly and make rational decisions. Anything that would take my willpower away from me is a no no, because really it is why I’m still alive. 

Sometimes I think if these are the thoughts I can be having when I’m sober, what’ll happen if I were drunk. I shudder to think what.

And by the way, that thin line I mentioned earlier? It’s willpower. At least in my case.
                                                                                                                   
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AWAKENING TO A SENSE OF PURPOSE. 

I’m surrounded by so much positive energy and people right now. You know the kind that fuels you for the future? That pushes you to be all you can be? It’s such a joy! 

Like things are happening man. 

There seems to be some simultaneous awakening to a sense of purpose, responsibility and duty that’s just in the air. I really wish you could get on it/experience it. It’s one of the best things that have happened to me.

As you get on it though, I must warn you. You would have to sacrifice a lot of people, places and things, a lot of people would misunderstand you and label you, but that’s okay. Because what really matters is not what you’re saying no to right now. But what you’re saying yes to. The bright future that’s ahead of you.

You might not be able to relate to this. But then again, you might. And you might feel alone in this new awakening, for a long time I have. 

But I promise you, there’s like a bunch of us youth like you who are experiencing similar things, youth who are consumed with vision, and who are working to create the future they desire for themselves. 

I promise you to not give up because you’re alone or misunderstood, very soon you’ll find you’re not alone.

And Somehow we’ll all channel our individual energies and shake the world. Starting with our country Nigeria. See ehn, this world is going to know I was in it. What about you? 

May 7, 2016.

12.39am. 
Kelechi Ochulo.

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MIDNIGHT MUSINGS- DARKNESS IS NOT AN ENTITY. 

I don’t believe darkness is an entity of it own. I don’t believe it’s a living thing capable of moving growing or influencing all by itself. Or because of its ability. 

As far as I’m concerned,Darkness is simply the name used to denote the absence of a thing. That thing is called light. 

No man trying to dispel darkness succeeds at this by fighting darkeness. No, picture somebody running around in a dark space vigorously flailing his/her arms in the air and hurling insults. Would that solve the problem? Would that dispel the darkness? 

No, that’ll simply get the person written off as insane, mentally unstable, not to be taken seriously and not suitable for work.

Darkness is neither dispersed by crying, weeping, wailing to high heavens, neither is it dispersed by blaming all the people who’ve been there before or who put you in that dark state. No. 

To get rid of darkness it’s quite simple. You just have to turn on the light. In most cases increase the light. Needless to say at that moment darkness is no where to be seen. It’s gone just like that. 

So I’m not sure what you’re going through. What dark corner you or they have boxed you into, or maybe you’ve unconsciously been swallowed or lost in its wide expanse. It doesn’t really matter how. All that matters is that you turn on the light and keep increasing it.

I urge you to atleast give it a try. Find the light source, keep it on a perpetual increase and watch your self/relationship/situation or whatever, get better. 

Written April 15, 2016 at 3:32am.
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SEEKING FOR VALIDATION FROM SOCIETY? 

   

“Is it cool to get back together with your ex if you guys still love yourselves.”

This was a question for the tl, someone asked via the sub-delivery man and an illustration of one of my many problems with society.

Seeking for validation from people or things other than your inner being. What makes society the judge of what’s right and wrong and what’s acceptable and isn’t?? 

If you ask me society has done a real terrible judge as custodian of the moral compass.

If you want to get back with your ex good and fine! If you dont want that either still good and fine. You are the one that knows what you want in a relationship. No one else is going to enjoy or endure a relationship with you! 

To me Another form of this, what will I call it now, is in the existence of a guy/girl code. I don’t even know what the guy code is and isn’t and you bet money that I can’t be bothered. 

Don’t make the mistake of thinking anyone’s living your life with you. You alone are responsible for your actions. You alone will reap the rewards or consequences of your actions. So you might as well start living for yourself. 

FOR YOU. 

Hey you, Yes you. 

I feel us drifting, further apart with each passing day, with each unanswered message and with each call not returned. 
I know I should try and fix things, a stitch in time not so? 

But I’m in a really bad headspace 

And so letting go, letting you slip right by my hands feels easier than trying to mend things rn. 

I know you are going through hard times now, and so I don’t hold it against you. 
I can not promise to be there though, as I used to, for once I’m focused on myself an my own issues. So I’ll only observe from afar and pray it all turns out right. 
I’m praying for you. 

Hey you. Yes you. 

We just started talking. And I really like the feel.

But I fear my issues might get in the way of establishing a strong connection. 

I promise you I’m actually a great person when you find me in the right state that is. 
And so I urge you, to ignore the bad vibes, ignore the one word replies, the small talk and reach out for me. Don’t let me slip off. 

One thing I need to know though, in this my dark times, if you’d be here for me.
Would you? 

//I wrote this at 11:38pm last night but wasn’t able to post it. I’ve not been able to post for a while because I’ve been dealing with issues and that’s not good. But I’ve learnt not to allow feelings get  in the way so it’s safe to say I’m back for good. 

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STRANDED.

The other day, I had to wait for and and hour and thirty minutes at the gate before going inside. I just sat on the sloping concrete that was our drive way and stared and thought and stared. 

I don’t blame anyone though. It was just one of those things. No body expected me to be home by 3.35pm. So they were all out. The girls at school, mum on her way to pick them and dad about to board a plane. 

But then I was annoyed because I called mum while still on the bus ride home to let her know I’ll be back early. She didn’t pick. Assuming she’d picked, maybe I’d had known to stop by my sisters’ school and join them there. But I didn’t know that. 

I called her again as I walked into the estate. While waiting for her to pick, I started thinking, “what if you have to wait outside.” You know those kind of thoughts. So when she finally picked and said she wasn’t at home, I wasn’t surprised. In my mind’s eye, I’d seen it coming. 

The thing about my “estate” is that it’s in a community in Ota. And estate is what it’s expected to be in a few years. Right now, it’s just bushes, a few houses and properties under development. Needless to say, I don’t have any friends there. 

Seating outside, I consoled my self saying, “everything happens for a reason” and “maybe the universe is trying to teach me a lesson.” So I busied myself with just being and observing and being and observing. 

With that attitude, the first hour and fifteen minutes went by and I wasn’t very much fazed. The final fifteen minutes seemed to be longer than all the time I’d spent outside waiting.

I began to wonder, where were they really, how long does it take to get back from school. It wasn’t a question of distance as the school’s not so far, neither could one say the traffic might have kept them because that’s not an issue in this area.

What made matters worse was that I didn’t have data on my phone, the wifi was inside my phone has battery problems so I didn’t bother playing music, my laptop’s battery was critically low so watching a movie was out of the question and I was freaking thirsty under the hot weather. 

So I was sort of handicapped, just waiting and waiting. 

When finally they came, I made sure not to smile at anyone. I walked to the car to get the keys and open the gate cause the dogs were out and my sisters can’t stand them. I opened the side gate, put the dogs in and was about to open the main gate when I thought, “why not let them wait for a while outside so they know how it feels.”

I considered this thought for a while. But I asked myself, how can I do this to them, what sort of a person would that make me, and so I just opened the main gate for them. 

They drove in mid thanks and apologies. I tried to crack a smile as my sister began to tell me about her day. 

NOT ALL MISTAKES ARE WORTH MAKING. 

Not all mistakes are worth making. 

I’m a big believer in a life without regrets. Till now, I didn’t believe anyone ever made such things as mistakes. I believed what people call mistakes, were all part of learning lessons. 

Though there is some truth in that, and in many ways I still believe that, I have come by some new information that is making me have a change of attitude. 

And like Kanye taught, a wise man should be humble enough to change his mind when he learns new information. It is this new information I want to pass across.

Not all mistakes are worth making. In some cases, rather than wait to make the mistake and learn from it, the wise thing to do would be to learn from the experiences of others who’ve towed that line. 

The reason being that some mistakes are too expensive. While there are mistakes with no far reaching effect such as putting of laundry/ironing while there’s still light to watch tv and having to appear with rough attire the following day, there are those such as getting pregnant while in school, or hanging on the rail of a story building in the name of fun, falling off and getting paralyzed, that have the ability to turn your life around in ways that are not so appealing. 

In all things let’s apply common sense. Instead of waiting to experience some things before learning, let’s be taught by the experiences of others so as to avoid regret and “if I had known” in the future. 

Remember, seemingly little mistakes are often times all it takes to throw our lives of course. 

Thank you for reading. 

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THE WHY.

Why is it that at times when all has been going well, life decides to take a u-turn? 
Why are the things we need hard to find but all over the place the minute we no longer need them?
Why are all my friends offline when I need them and online when I don’t? 
Why do negative wishes manifest quicker than positive ones? 
Why is it easier to destroy than to build? 
Why does life seem simple one minute and complex the next? 

Why, why why? 
Oftentimes I wonder and on some days it feels like the answers are at my reach and if I could only keep thinking I’ll arrive at them. 
On other days, such as today, I am simply content with observing these oddities. 
Some day though, I would find answers. 
But that day is not today.

 
And that is okay.   

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ON THE FEAR OF QUESTIONING.

Why do we fear different thoughts and ideas so much? 

Why do we fear questioning, curiosity and inquisitiveness? 

Is it fear? Is it worry? Or is it that these doubts and questions resonate deep in our hearts? 

And that these are the questions we were not bold enough to ask or perhaps foolish enough? 

Let me be foolish. Let me ask my questions. 

At the end of the day I might still arrive at your conclusions, but only this time I’ll be surer and very confident because I’ve been foolish enough to pass through the stage of testing and questioning. 

12.37am 13/2/16

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YOUR PERCEPTION OF THINGS CAN BE DEEPLY FLAWED. 

Do you know that you can be wrong? About any and everything? 

Sometimes I wonder this whenever I watch close minded people argue. 
But I’m not left out of it either. I remind myself of this truth all the time whenever I’m receiving new information. And it helps me to keep an open mind. 

Just this evening in pitch darkness, I walked over to where the keys were kept so I could pass the gate key to mum. 

I didn’t bother turning on a lamp because I take pride in the fact that I know my father’s house. I can be blindfolded and still get to where I’m going. Or so I thought. 

I reached where by all my calculations, was the place we kept our keys. I reached up and my hand fell through nothingness. 

I was confused. That had to be the place. It felt like it. I’d taken the the approximated steps. 

I swiped up on my phone and turned on the flash light only for me to find out I was light years away from my destination.

You can imagine my surprise. And that is why I have come to the above conclusion. A walk in the dark, is enough to let you know that your perception of things can be deeply flawed.